A sense of anticipation hangs over the Masterchef kitchen, like the calm before a storm, or more accurately the calm before a celebrity guest appearance. The five contestants competing for immunity enter in their white aprons, unaware of what’s in store for them, unlike the viewers who have been bombarded with ads.
Jock asks the contestants whether they would like to win immunity. They drop a bombshell: they would. Although Poh sounds pretty sarcastic. Melissa informs them that today their dish must be hot. Andy informs them that today their dish must also have a cold element. So it could be, for example, steak stuffed with ice cream, or pasta garnished with rocks. It is, therefore, a hot ‘n’ cold challenge. Get it?
DO YOU GET IT?
The contestants start cooking but it feels like we’re just marking time until the whole point of this episode arrives. While we wait, the judges cackle about “the twist” that’s coming.
Reece declares his intention to soak his baba in a rum syrup, having hit rock bottom. Meanwhile Asian Sarah says she doesn’t want to do a dessert today because making her life difficult for herself is on-brand. She therefore plans braised pork with a pickle granita and god only knows what that is.
It really must be twist week, because Melissa and Andy are walking together to Reynold’s bench, violating the sacred tradition of the male judges being scared of girl germs. Reynold is making a cake with matcha, to give it that beautiful disgusting green colour.
“Time to get out my Malaysian,” says Poh in a manner that can only be described as sinister. She tells Melissa and Andy that she is making a hundred different weird things, causing Melissa to lose the capacity for speech. Poh is going to boil the crap out of her duck, even though the conventional method is to remove that before cooking.
Meanwhile Simon is cutting up vegetables of course. Ugh.
Suddenly Jock orders them to stop what they’re doing: “It’s twist time!” The twist is not an ingredient, or a food swap, it’s…a guest judge! Oh my god who knew???????
Yes, duh, fine, it’s Katy Perry, whose career is clearly going incredibly well right now. In a way it’s amazing she hasn’t been on the show before, seeing as how she wrote that song about it. She’s also the perfect guest judge because she is famous for her refined palate.
As all the contestants stare in astonishment and let their dishes burn, Katy walks through the room making a mental note to fire her agent. She kisses the judges on both cheeks as if they know her or something, and orders the contestants to feed her unborn child.
Reece has completely lost his famous phlegmatic equilibrium. “I don’t know how to talk, I don’t know how to move,” he says, having dreamt of this moment all his life. Katy and Jock visit his bench. He tells them he’s making a cake, causing Katy to have some kind of weird body spasm. She makes a joke about having a gluten allergy, which gives him a coronary.
Jock and Katy visit Simon, who tries to be funny with unfortunate results. She tells him she hates vegetables, which may or may not be a hilarious gluten-style joke. “I’ve got taste buds like everybody else,” Katy reveals in a hot bit of gossip.
On to Reynold, to whom Katy sings “I’m So Excited” while doing an impression of a train. She has been drinking an enormous amount. She mentions she’s not a fan of white chocolate, the perfect opportunity for Reynold to reply, “That’s OK, I’m not a fan of auto-tuned bullshit”, but he chickens out.
Katy has a chat with Sarah, who cannot say anything to her except “Amazing” over and over. Up on the balcony Brendan and Emelia begin singing the theme song which doesn’t help at all.
Finally Katy pops over to Poh, who promises to assault her foetus with massive amounts of spice to induce premature labour.
“Thirty-five minutes to go!” Katy roars, the whisky really kicking in. Reece bursts into tears. Katy puts her hands on Sarah’s shoulders and Sarah has a stroke. Katy begins singing the theme song, and it’s pretty impressive that she remembers all the words.
While Reece quietly falls apart, Katy asks the judges if she can visit the pantry. Melissa explains that the contestants can come to the pantry to get ingredients. Katy is absolutely blown away, having apparently never encountered the concept of a pantry until now. Reece rushes past them, catching a whiff of Katy’s perfume and briefly blacking out.
Reece is worried that he can’t give Katy a rum-soaked cake due to her condition, but judging by her behaviour in the kitchen so far, that horse would seem to have bolted. Nonetheless he seeks a Plan B.
Melissa tells Katy that Reynold is great at presentation. “I love presentation!” Katy exclaims. She always knows just what to say.
Melissa and Katy visit Sarah again, to make sure that she’s totally incapable of working. Sarah tells them what she’s doing and Melissa says a long string of adjectives to prove that she’s a professional food blogger. Katy touches her again and Sarah becomes a puddle.
Poh, much less impressed by the presence of pop sort-of-royalty, lets Katy have a taste of her spicy duck. It is very spicy, causing Katy to immediately emit fireworks from her breasts. She staggers around the room coughing as Poh pictures herself going down in history as the woman who killed Katy Perry.
“You only have ten minutes until your whole self-worth is defined,” Katy cries, and fair play to her. She sneaks up behind Sarah and whispers in her ear again, and Sarah is very close to needing a ventilator. Andy joins Katy to sing at Sarah, seemingly determined that she fail this challenge and give herself severe burns.
Reynold checks his cakes. They are a nauseating green colour inside, but that’s how they’re supposed to look, so whatever. They may be slightly overcooked, but like they say, better an overcooked cake than whatever gross vegetable garbage Simon is making.
Katy improvises a song about there being five minutes to go and everyone claps along like simpletons. We have reached the stage at which nobody has a functioning brain. Up on the balcony, Ginger Sarah tries singing the same song to universal indifference. Everyone looks awkwardly at their feet.
As time ticks down, Simon applies the finishing touches to what, to all appearances, is a monkey scat. The judges count down from ten to zero while Reynold immerses himself in self-disappointment: he is usually finished in plenty of time and his failure to do so this time has shamed him deeply.
Time is up. Katy’s baby screams for sustenance. Sarah gives her some pork. Jock cuts it for her because she claims to have sprained her thumb in some Hollywood orgy or other, but it’s possible it’s because she has never actually cut her own food before. Despite the fact that after tasting Poh’s duck she has lost her senses of taste and smell, Katy declares that the pork is delicious. The other judges say so too, but Sarah doesn’t give a shit what they think: Katy’s approval has ensured she will die happy.
Next, Simon brings up his tiny horrible carrot lump. Katy is well-mannered enough to lie and say she likes it.
Reynold serves a matcha genoise, something he totally just made up. Katy tells him that she is a storyteller, which is news to everyone. She confesses that she was raised on meatloaf and milk, and is deeply disappointed that Reynold has given her neither. “I…liked it,” she says, the pause speaking volumes.
It is Poh’s turn. Her dish is a duck rendang wrapped in a crepe and it is extremely green. Katy declares that she loves anything that looks like a burrito, for want of anything better to say. After eating it she adopts a facial expression suggestive of a vet about to tell someone their dog died, gives a lengthy monologue about her lifelong fear of duck, and announces that she likes it. It’s been a rollercoaster. Katy goes in for more, just to make Simon and Reynold feel like shit.
Finally, Reece presents his dish, desperately restraining himself from proposing marriage. He has made rum baba with “diplomat cream”, which is clearly not a real thing. After one mouthful Katy begins doing an erotic dance, which means that either she liked it or she’s still drunk. She folds her napkin into an unrecognisable shape and holds it against her chest to signify that Reece’s dish is “the tits”, even though she has a pair of her own that would’ve been far more realistic.
Katy and the judges convene to decide who will gain her favour. She says she was disappointed with Reynold’s dish and the producers leave it in the edit so that his humiliation is complete. Her favourites were Poh and Sarah, but Poh has the edge because she loves a cook to try to murder her. So Poh has immunity and doesn’t get to live her dream of going home for at least a few more days. “This is possibly one of the best days of my life,” says Poh, who has never heard a single Katy Perry song.
Katy says she is glad she came, thanks everyone, then vows never to return to this hole and leaves forever.
Tune in next week, when the guest judge will be Colleen Hewitt.